Getting dumped was one of the most unexpected and painful things that has ever happened to me. I was at a place where I thought ok, this is rough but we can pull through right? Wrong!. It was simply too late to revive that relationship and thus it ended. So weeks, months and years passed and I can finally say that it hurts less thinking about him and all we could have had. I’ve learned a few things these past years that I thought I would share with someone who is at the beginning of this long and arduous journey.
1. You aren’t perfect
I know many people who gets dumped hate the person who left them, and in many cases, yes, they were probably douches anyway! But have you ever really looked in the mirror and thought about how things would have turned out if you would have reacted differently? Or if you would have been more available? Or even if you simply paid more attention to the ‘signs’? It’s easy to place the blame squarely on the offender’s shoulders but my dear, it takes two to tango. I’ve learned that I’m far from perfect. I could stand to learn how to communicate better, how to be more appreciative and even how to be more caring! I had to accept that for this situation to be ok and for my heart to start healing, I had to realize that there was fault in me as well.
2. You are going to be ok
This was something my girlfriends said to me for a long time. It was probably the least favorite thing for me to hear. At some point, I would have rather heard – I know it sucks – rather than ‘you are going to be ok’. This is a truth that you have to arrive at in your own time. It’s like telling someone with low self-esteem and no self-love that they are beautiful. You could write it in a song, have Usher perform it and the person would still not ‘feel’ or ‘believe’ that they are beautiful. One has to come to this conclusion on their own. Friends are great reminders that this tough time will pass – so let them in and allow them to continually remind you until you can believe it for yourself.
3. You are enough
I cannot tell you how low my self worth was when I got dumped. I think for the first time I doubted all I knew about who I was as a person. My confidence tanked and I went into hiding. If someone that I had loved and trusted felt that I no longer was worth their time and affection, then who else would? For the first time,I felt myself spiraling and everything I wore didn’t feel quite right. The makeup on my face didn’t sit as well as it used to. I looked to social media for the trends so that I could see what others thought was attractive and appropriate it. I did this for about a year until I looked at myself in the mirror and remembered God’s word: you are the apple of His eye. That was enough for me to snap out of this zombie like mode! I slowly began to affirm myself. You are beautiful, you are precious … you are enough. I remember having to look in the mirror and say to myself, ‘girl you did that!’. I spoke the Word of God and continued to affirm myself until I got to a point where I no longer question whether or not I am enough – it’s who I am! I am enough.
4. You are loved
The worst part about being dumped is the realization that no one loves you. Yes, this may sound dramatic but it’s true. If you have been part of a couple and known as ‘that’ couple, then you know what I’m talking about. Getting dumped left me answering the question – what happened? I continued to ask myself that over and over and over until I was exasperated. My family was so instrumental in reminding me of how much love was in my life. I wasn’t defined by the love that my ex provided. I was defined by the love of God. This knowledge was something that I had put in the back burner and getting dumped quickly reminded me that there was a higher love that was always there. Even when I was unfaithful to it – it never wavered.
5. You will love again
This is my favorite realization. I got dumped. Things didn’t work out, but I am amazing! I have learned from my past mistakes and I am ready to love again. I went through a phase where I needed a male attention because I felt like getting acknowledgement from men around me meant that I still had ‘it’. However, that was the wrong way to go about getting back my self-worth! I had to learn to love myself again. I had to learn how to date myself again. I went to the movies alone, I went to nice restaurants and ordered for one. I had to learn what makes me happy before getting back ‘out there’. It’s been a great journey and to know that I have come this far after being so low only gives me more hope and excitement for the future!
You are going to hurt for a while but if you go through it and try not to put band aids and take short cuts, you will heal. You will love yourself again and that is the most attractive feature you have.
Three women going through life.